And then my soul
saw you and it kind
of went "Oh there
you are. I've been
looking for you."
I have been planning on this post for a long time now, then I would decide not to write about it, because as soon as I say that something is going really well... everything would start to go wrong again.
It finally feels like Lilah and I have gotten to a really good place. I feel like she has become the little girl that I always knew was in there, I would see glimpses of her, and then the traumatized Lilah would appear once again. She feels like she belongs here and I can't imagine life without her in it. Anyone that has been following this blog knows the struggles that she and I have had since day one. It has taken four years to get to this point in our relationship. It probably could have taken a lot less if I hadn't allowed my protective walls to continually go up and I had sought out professional help sooner. But the one thing that I have learned (through deep conversations with many other adoptive mothers) is that I was never alone in the things that I felt or the reactions I had towards this little girl.
Lilah has changed so much this past year. And I have too. All the therapy that we did together seemed to be exactly what she needed. She has learned to control her anxiety most of the time. We still have our moments, but I am seeing much more understanding and compassion on my part, which in turn, is exactly what she also needs. Everyone that has gone through these years with us and especially anyone who I would go to for advice, has seen these changes in her and comments on it. She seems to have matured a lot this year and now acts her age in all ways. She is very smart and was very bossy and manipulative, but I have seen these behaviours also dwindle lately.
Lilah comes to me now for all the little things that a child should come to a mother for. She reaches out to me for affection. She accepts discipline, without freaking out. And we laugh together.
Lilah is done with seeing the Psychologist. This could change over the years as new needs and hurts arise, but for now we are done!
I have made you
and I will carry
you; I will sustain
you and I will